Who Am I? Answering the Big Questions of Life

The bigger questions of life come up when we’re dissatisfied with our lives, unhappy with the choices we’ve made, or maybe overwhelmed with working and not getting ahead. We thought that what we wanted would make us happy, but it isn’t. We’re bored with our lives, or we’re tired of pretending to be something we aren’t.

“Man, Know Thyself.

- Socrates

You probably have seen this quote. I had read this many times, but earlier in my life I judged it. I thought only a self-indulgent, narcissistic and pompous, pedantic person would contemplate such a statement. I mean, we’ve lived with ourselves and already know all our idiosyncrasies, our faults and our strengths.

Then I found myself being asked the question, “Who are you?” in my thirties. At the time I was depressed and not sure what was wrong with me. Before that I had been sure of myself, having success as an artist, and was loving my life. Now I wasn’t sure that I was good enough and felt unlovable. Nothing about my life was fulfilling anymore.

A psychologist was leading a group in which the participants could examine themselves through interchanges with each other. My husband and I joined the group where we played games designed to experience our reactions to those interpersonal relationships.

In one of the games we played, a group of eight of us sat in a circle. When it was each of our turns, we were instructed to tell everyone else ten things we were. This is going to be easy, I think. I know what I am. I am a mother, a wife, an artist, a good cook, a contributing member of our community, a woman, a teacher, a docent, a traveler, a fair skier, and a better tennis player. But, when my turn came to answer, “I’m nothing” was all I heard as I rattled off the list of things I had mentally prepared to say.

My reaction to the question “Who are you?” upset me even more than my inability to feel happy before I joined the group. Now it had become official. There was definitely something devastatingly wrong with me.

It’s funny now that I don’t see this as tragic. Today, if I were to face a similar encounter, I would have a different response. I would celebrate. I would see it as a chance to start with a new, clean slate, a blank canvas on which I could create the woman I wanted to be. But at that time I wasn’t aware of what I know now.

I believed then that we are what we achieve, so I had become the me I was because I wanted approval and respect. I did it out of fear of being rejected. The sad part to me now was not the realization that what I’d become was nothing. It was that I didn’t know who I really was.

Through counselling I discovered that I didn’t really know what I liked. I had been so eager to please others that I didn’t have a clue what I’d prefer eating, which movie I’d rather watch, or what songs were my favorite.

I didn’t know that my thoughts were the reason I had become so unhappy. That and the belief that I was the victim of life’s circumstances. I couldn’t see that I had choices.

I have this quote on my refrigerator:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Unknown.

I did have to find myself — everything about me that I didn’t like or resonate with — before I was able to create myself to be what I preferred to be. This is what creatives need to do. As an artist I had to develop the skills to paint what I wanted to share, and as a writer I needed to write a lot before I could be aware and adept enough to know what I really wanted to say.

But when I bought the quote to inspire me to create a new me, I realized I didn’t want to create myself to be anyone who needs to impress, or for approval and respect anymore. I had come farther than that. What I wanted now is my own self-respect, sense of worth, and the confidence to be that.

What I’ve found is that creating ourselves is a never ending journey. Because of circumstances and events that are thrust in our lives, the changes we face force us to change, too. The me I used to be is not the me I am now. And the future me evolves from one moment to another.

Who am I? I’m nothing like I’m going to be.